Idol in my eyes.

Baby it's cold outside. Yeah it's what's going through these headphones. Zooey Deschanel. I enjoy her voice.

23 years old. And I like to look back and I like to see what I've accomplished. I like to also see what I've failed at.

By no means am I where I want to be in life. But I wouldn't call myself a lost cause. But I think I am lost.

These seven days should be interested. About 10 of you know what I'm talking about. The other 400 or so, just play along.

“You've been independent for almost as long as I've known you,” said Candy tonight. “But I can hear the depression in your voice. I've been hearing it the last few days especially.” I always told you that you were smart Candy.

I try to figure out where I get my traits from. Well, my main traits. Such as my stubborness. I want to say my dad. But sometimes he's the most generous person I know. My empathetic nature I know I get from my mom. She always listened to everyone. She always tried to reach out a helping hand. Even if she knew the person would be using them. Yeah, you passed that along to me mom.

My cocky attitude....definitely from my father. Except he isn't quite as open about it. I'm confident, sue me. Fuck you. Wait no. Let me not let my explicit nature take over. I want this to be as clean as possible.

My optimistic side....that's definitely my sister and my mother. I may not talk to my sister every day. But when I do, she always has something positive to say. I'm sure you're turning my nephews into great little gentlemen and my niece into a lady.

That leaves my brother. My will to succeed. I get that from you. I'm proud of you. And I may not show it, but I do look up to you. Keep doing your thing. Hopefully I will get my head right and follow suit. But you know I'ma have to do it my way.

Curious as to how many of you believed I was an only child.

Some of you will read every word of this and try to “figure me out.” Some of you will just disregard it. To each his own.

I'm upset. I'm depressed. But I have so many people want to ask me what is wrong. Please don't. That's the last thing to do. I'm somewhat easy to read truthfully. If you think something is wrong with me, chances are there is. But sometimes I really just don't have anything to say or talk about. But I don't mean any disrespect when I say “nothing's wrong, I'm fine.” Usually that just means, I will come to you about it later on. Just give me a little time. And please, please don't assume you know what's wrong. “If you assume about me, u (you) are an ass.”

A few people asked me where I am headed after reading my “packing” statuses. I try to give them a general location but it usually ends with me saying that I am trying to spread my wings. To some of you it may sound silly. But I mean it. I don't know if I can fly. I don't know how high yet. People want to tell me how well I was doing. That was just a glide. A glide back to the ground. But that's okay. I hope to soon be in a position to where my wings will spread again. And I hope that neither wing is broken or clipped. I say that because I have had people tell me for years that they have my back. Then I turn around and they are nowhere to be found. May have messed with my wings.

Sometimes I do just want to go away for a bit. And I just hope I reappear succesful. I know that sounds slightly vain of me. But it's true. Maybe that's what I need. To just disappear for a little. To get off these social networks for a while. To focus on myself and those closest to me.

I believe I know my passion. It's working with kids. Jessianne told me that she loves to hear my stories about the kids. In high school I would've never imagined working with kids. But it's something I'm passionate about. Ever since the Boys & Girls Club. Sure they can be wild and mean and brutally honest. But it was the trust factor that made me never want to leave. It was the “heyyyyyyyyy Mr. Allen!” that made me not want to leave. It was the looks on the children's faces when I played a joke on them telling them that I was planning on quitting that made me not want to leave. That bit me in the butt when two of my little students began crying at the thought of Mr. Allen leaving. For those of you who have seen me work with children, be honest. What do you think? That means you, Robin, Stacy, Deanna, Dell, Kendall. I appreciate all feedback.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday my love for children came back. I looked into the eyes of a person that i've known since they were 2. And I told her that she's growing up on me. And I got sad. I sang to her that day. Even though my singing voice is pretty horrible, she didn't mind. We even slow danced in the living room. Once again it's things like that which make me not want to leave. I met another person when they were 10. Although she is fixing to turn 17, I learned that other than her boyfriend and family, she trusts me the most. It's small things like that that means the world to me. So Madisyn and Star....thank y'all. And I love you.

I like to look back on the last 10 years of my life. Well let's be odd and say 11 years. That was when I moved down here. About 2-3 weeks left in 6^th grade. I remember I had Mr. Jordan, Ms. Mitchell (Now Ms. Cooper), and Mrs. Collins as my teachers. And well I was shy. I met a few people this year. I don't really talk to any of em. I think the oldest friend that I still have some what of contact with is Jon Newton and Sara Grant. Didn't really come out of my shell until some time high school. That's when I wasn't just “Allen.” I became “Allen Body.” Folks wouldn't say just Allen....they had to say the last name. I loved it. Still do...

Me and Candy were talking about how much we've grown these last 6 years. And I still don't think she believes me that I was a shy person. Brittany & Christen, were I ever shy with y'all? I know this isn't a figment of my imagination.

Oh well. I enjoy my current personality.

So a lot of you saw that I sold cars. A lot of you ask how I got into selling cars. Blame Jon. I was looking for a job. He told me to talk to his manager up at Subaru. I did....told them I had 0 experience. His manager told me this..... “With selling cars, you need to sell yourself first. Make them like you. And then make them like the car. You have a great personality. I think you can go pretty far.” Pretty simple words. So he offered me a job.

I'm great at faking. But I enjoy jobs in which I can be myself. I was once denied a position because of my personality. It bothered me for a little bit but I guess I understand. The guy told me “I don't think I can mold you....so unfortunately I can't offer you a position.” I can't be molded. Go figure.

So I will leave it at this. Not really sure of the point of this one. But I feel a little better. Let's hope Thursday is a great day.

Special shoutout to Jenna Surig for being first to like my status. And John Robinson for reminding me that I haven't posted recently.